So fucking relevant right now.
I'm not too sure what to make of it all. Not too long ago it all seemed alright. But then I get those days or weeks where .. I can't even describe it. It's not a bad day. I don't feel sad. And it's not a good day either - because I don't feel happy. I don't even feel content. Everything just seems so empty. So I see time pass without it meaning anything. Not much happens. Nothing important anyway. And the clock keeps ticking while I think that time should be spent better. Either being happy (preferably) or at least being sad. "Art never comes from happiness". Very true. It comes from those situations in life where you've lost everything, can't even get up in the morning and try to keep the tears from streaming down your face. But what if you feel nothing? I'm pretty sure I can't make art out of that.
I have the oddest habit of getting a sentence stuck in my head. Maybe it's my way of escaping. It's usually something I've made up without realising and then I can't get it out of my head for weeks. As if it's a sentence and part of something I read in a script or newspaper sometime. A memory I can't recall. About a month ago I got a new one. I couldn't get "But what did you want me to say to her? She would have seen me at the party!" out of my head. In my imagination there was a whole scenario around this - a man was arguing with his wife or some other female character. He had bumped into a person they both knew and she'd asked him if he was going to a certain event. He was going (with his wife/the other woman) but he didn't actually want to see her there. But if he had said he wasn't going then she would have seen him at the party and that'd be awkward. The wife/whatever woman was angry at him for telling their mutual "friend" that they were going. Insane, right? I don't know where I get it from.
Another one was when I got back this evening. It'd going for dinner with some friends and when I returned to my room and looked in the mirror I had a sentence stuck there all of a sudden. And it doesn't even sound like part of a script or anything of that kind. This one is different: "Some people can but others can't. So those who can should". Does that make any kind of sense?
I might be out of my mind. Or maybe I should have a more philosophical approach and consider if the soul is "reused" when we are born. A type of reincarnation. So the soul brings back with it certain memories from the previous person's body. Sentences, feelings, dreams, thoughts. Maybe they randomly pop up here and there in our lives as a type of evidence. An proof of the answers to our lives' questions which we just ignore. Imagine that. The answers to the biggest unanswered questions just flowing out there - waiting for us to find.
I will go to bed now. I've become way too reflecting. I'll withdraw from whatever odd state of mind I am in and go sleep. Sleep might be the one place I can find peace. I wrote this in an earlier post but I'll write it again. "Too often, the only escape is sleep" - Charles Bukowski. So relevant. And with those word I bid you goodnight.
